Homesick

Yep. It has finally hit. I miss my family. Part of me is still enjoying the peace and quiet of Mom’s house, still glad to be away from the noise and the testosterone, but I am beginning to miss them too. I’m blue. I went to pick up a prescription for mother and sat in the car outside the office and cried for a bit. I was once again crying in relief that they caught the cancer in time, that we aren’t losing her. If you have experience of lung cancer you know how unusual it is to catch it before there are symptoms. I never thought I would be grateful for the stroke. (In a previous post I said the scanning was a result of the Parkinson’s. That was poetic license.)

In any case, she is going to recover from this. It breaks my heart that her right hand only stops moving, preventing her from doing so many of the things she loves. I feel happy when I see her reading the Kindle, grateful that I could give her something that is making her life better.

But I think the reason that I am dwelling on these thoughts is that I am beginning to feel homesick. I miss the beasts.

Mom and I get along better than I think most adult mother’s and daughters do. It is sometimes confusing because my mother and sister have so much difficulty. Sis is hurt that Mom wanted me here and didn’t want her. Mom tells people that it is because I cook and had a husband at home to take care of my kids. Sis would have had to leave her teens alone. She tells me that Sis would have driven her crazy. She would have felt like she would have had to keep her entertained. Sis is exhausting to be around. Mom doesn’t know “if she is coming or going always in the middle of everything. I guess she knows where she is going though. She gets there eventually.”

Mom has mentioned that the living room carpet really needs to be vacuumed. I agreed, told her I will do it soon. She knows I will. I don’t like vacuuming, but I will do it. Sis is compulsive about house keeping. She would probably clean the house every day and expect just a little appreciation. And there is nothing wrong with that. I told Sis that Mom prefers me here at times like this because I spend most of my time reading and she won’t have to entertain me. Sis protests. She wouldn’t expect to be entertained.

But there is too much history between them. Sis has always been been “more” than I was. She was laughed louder, cried more often, and got into more trouble. She is has been and still is a wonderful person, but as a result of all the family dynamics and our own personalities, I ended up being almost another parent for Sis. Sis always knew that Mom would take care of her, but I was the one she came to for comfort or advice.

Sis is still “bigger”. She is hurt that she was never as close to Mom as I was, and more hurt that she has wanted to make it better and Mom still rejects her. And Mom is exhausted and can’t deal with the emotional drama.

I guess I am thinking about this more because they could certainly use each other in the coming years. Sis’s marriage is unlikely to make it, and Mom can’t live alone indefinitely. Sis moving in with Mom in a few years could solve both their problems.

And there I go, trying to fix everyone’s lives for them.

Still, it distracts me from being homesick.

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One Response

  1. Not really sure what to say, but this post really spoke to me. And not just because I hate vacuuming!

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